An open letter to SBS and the Producers of Top Gear:

Here are a few pointers if you plan to embark on Season 2 of TGA:

This isn't Top Gear UK: If we wanted to watch wannabee Clarkson, May and Hammonds, we'd be institutionalised. There is no rational reason to like the Australian hosts over their British counterparts, as they are merely poor mans' versions.

Stop being f*cking pussies: If you're so hellbent on making TGA a TGUK + Australian slang, then don't pussyfoot when testing cars. The appeal of TGUK is the no-holds-barred approach the Stig takes when testing vehicles. We would rather see exotic cars being floored around high speed corners and whipped around Hammerhead, than pathetic low speed obstacle courses on a track that has the 'Question Mark' almost as soon as the course begins. This leads onto the next points...

The Australian Stig is a neckless sack of sh*t: You can't tell us that the best candidate for Australian Stig was a pugly little pussy. Get real.

The test course is a painful experience: The precedent has been set with the professionally designed, pretty damn awesome course at Dunsfold Park. It's a massive step down from seeing 747's in the background of hot laps to Cessnas.

We want people who know how to drive to be on a show about cars: Not cartoonists with reprehensible facial hair. That cannot be stressed enough. Anyone who nearly kills himself sliding off an icy road, or hits the rev limiter on an incredibly expensive car on a cold start should really not be on something such as TGA. At least James May does awesome stuff like thrash a Bugatti Veyron. Similarly,

Gangsta sh*t appeals to the lowest common denominator: and this is further hampered when it is delivered by skinny white people.

Don't pretend to do a comparison segment and finish it before making comparisons: The charm of TGUK is the unbridled and sometimes cruel judgements bestowed upon vehicles in direct comparison with their competition. When you supplement these comparisons for sh*ts and giggles in the sand and snow, it makes us wonder why we're watching in the first place.

Nobody really cares about Maybach headphones: If you're going to close a highway and waste policemen's time for a leadup that lasts as long as the segment itself, show us something that hasn't been available in cars for over 20 years.

Fire whoever came up with the idea to bolt a cage on a Moke and put it in the sea with sharks: We want to see cars turned into things more useful, like boats or unlikely limosines. What will putting a Moke into the sea accomplish? Besides leaving a hosting spot open for someone who knows what they're doing?